The Malleus Maleficarum Incident
by TheMischiefMakers
Summary: A METMA Fic in Several Parts about what happens in the Hogwarts Library after midnight


The _Malleus Maleficarum_ Incident:Part One

A METMA Fic

By: TheMischiefMakers

A/N: This is our first attempt at a METMA fic. What happens when "new" books is added to the restricted section of the Hogwarts Library and how do the other books react to its presence? Read to find out the answer.

TheMischiefMakers: If you listen carefully, you can hear the books in the Hogwarts Library speaking to one another in the deep dark hours after midnight. Madame Pince thinks she owns the Library but it is the books that rule. This is an incident that occurred a few nights ago as we were hiding from Peeves who had chased us into the library.

Moste Potente Potions: Oi, Scream! You still there?

(A deafening scream is heard two rows over)

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th Century: Please can you keep it down some of us are trying to meditate here.

Great Good Wizarding Events of the 20th Century: Yeah, right. That's a bit rich coming from you isn't it.

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th Century: Stow it!

Great Good Wizarding Events of the 20th Century: Make me!

Moste Potente Potions: Both of you shut it!

Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.

(Screaming Book screams again)

Moste Potente Potions: What's up scream?

(Screams again)

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th Century: He can't talk you stupid git!

Moste Potente Potions: I'm warning you!

(Screaming Book screams again as The Monster Book of Monsters scuttles across the floor.)

The Monster Book of Monsters: I think it's me he's screamin' at. 

Moste Potente Potions: That you Monster?

The Monster Book of Monsters: Yeah…ouch!

Moste Potente Potions: What happened?

The Invisible Book of Invisibility: Sorry, Monster didn't see ya there.

The Monster Book of Monsters: No, I didn't see you.

Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th Century: Of course you didn't fool! He was invisible!

Moste Potente Potions: Stow it or I'll see that you get lost the next time you get checked out!

(Great Dark Wizarding Events grumbles, saying something that sounds like one of the Unforgivable Curses)

The Diary of a Young Witch: Dark you know that's not allowed!

A Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.

Hogwarts a History: You know something Stray.

A Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.

The Dairy of a Young Witch: What?

Malleus Maleficarum: Thumbscrews….HEHEHE.

(The Screaming Book Screams again)

Moste Potente Potions: Say what?

Malleus Maleficarum: Burn 'em at the stake. HEHEHEHE.

(Moste Potente Potions scoots to the side and looks at the odd book strangely)

The Many Lives of Dark Wizards: What's'e talkin' about?

Invisible Book of Invisibility: Search me.

The Daily Prophet: We can't search you. We can't even see you. Honestly!

Malleus Maleficarum: Witches must be hunted down.

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 12th Century: Not again! Look Malleus this is getting a little old. 

(Screaming Book scream again)

Great Good Wizarding Events of the 19th Century: Calm yourself Scream or you'll have the whole school down here.

(Monster Book of Monsters scuttles around some more until he's under the same shelf Moste Potente Potions is on)

Monster Book of Monsters: Oi, Moste. What's that new book goin' on about?

Moste Potente Potions: I'm not sure but whatever it is sounds not good.

Malleus Maleficarum: Dunking

Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.

Hogwarts: A History: Quiet you!

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 11th Century: Who made you the warlord here, Mr. High and Mighty Hogwarts? Huh?

Malleus Maleficarum: Witches mark

(Moste Potente Potions moves farther away from the Malleus Maleficarum)

Moste Potente Potions: Oh, I see. You're one of Those Books.

(Screaming Book screams again louder)

Hogwarts: A History: Stow it, all of you!

Monster Book of Monsters: One of Those Books!!!!!!

(There is a rustling from all the books and dark muttering)

Stray Book on the Desk: I don't get it.

Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.

Book on the Reserve Shelf: What do you do?

Malleus Maleficarum: Burn witches!

Stray Book on the Floor: That I do

Salem, Witchcraft and All: Yeah. Right. Whatever.

(Moste Potente Potions scuttles away from Malleus Maleficarum more)

Moste Potente Potions: Why do I get these types of books around me?

Book on the Shelving Cart: Those kinds of books? 

Tom Riddle, I Call thee Voldemort: A Muggle book?

Moste Potente Potions: Far worse then that…

Malleus Maleficarum: Meetings with Satan…

(The Diary of a Young Witch screams and falls off the shelf, just missing The Monster Book of Monsters)

The Monster Book of Monsters: You all right there, Diary?

(The Diary of a Young Witch screams and faints again)

Malleus Maleficarum: Witch!

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th Century (muttering to self): Of course she's a witch, tell us something we don't know. This is a school for witchcraft and wizardry.

Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.

Salem, Witchcraft and All: Moste, what's that book's title?

Moste Potent Potions: Don't know he keeps hiding his cover.

Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th Century: You don't have a cover stupid! You've been hidden under the shelf for ages.

The Daily Prophet: Oi Stray someone was looking for you the other day.

(Stray Book on the Floor scuttles under the shelf)

Malleus Maleficarum: The Iron Maiden.

Great American Witches and Wizards of the 70's: Groovy man.

The Monster Book of Monsters: What did you do to Diary here? She fell off the shelf and now she's not talking.

(The Diary of a Young Witch shudders and moans)

Moste Potente Potions: That's the sort of thing Those books do.

Strange Dark Curses and What They Do: Is it a Curse?

Wizards and Witches of Hollywood: Curses foiled again!

Witches and Wizards of Great Britain and Europe: Moste, is it really one of Those Books?

Moste Potente Potions: I believe so.

Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.

Diary of a Young Salem Witch Who Managed to Survive the Witch Trails: It sounds so familiar to me.

Malleus Maleficarum: Witches often have black cats as familiars.

The Ministry of Magic: The First Thousand Years: Oh, please!

The Animagi Registry: That's because some of us can change into animals you idiot.

The Diary of a Young Witch: I don't think that's what the book means.

Monster Book of Monsters: Diary! You alive.

The Dairy of a Young Witch: Of course I am.

Salem School of Witchcraft: A Concise History: Thank goodness.

Malleus Maleficarum: If she floats she is guilty.

Great Wizards of the English Cinema: I thought the line was: "If she floats…she's a witch!

The Evil that Dark Wizards Do: Naw that's from that movie.

Experimental Magic: That was a great movie.

Malleus Maleficarum: All Witches must be burned so that their evil will no longer….

Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts: Oh, stow it! You're scaring Children.

Great and Powerful Wizard Children of the 20th Century: That book bad!

Malleus Maleficarum:…be a blight on the land.

(Screaming Book screams again and Moste Potente Potions moves so far to the side that it falls off the shelf and lands on Monster Book of Monsters)

Moste Potente Potions: Sorry there Monster.

Monster Book of Monsters: S'right. 

Malleus Maleficarum: You are a witch!

Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I am.

Welsh Witches: Are you really?

Magical Creatures and Where to Find Them: Do you think so?

Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.

(A grumbling is heard from the top of a dusty shelf)

The Great Salazar Slytherin: Could you young people keep it down there? Some of us are trying to rest.

The Boy Who Lived or How to Survive the Avada Kedavra Curse: Give us a break, Slytherin.

Voldemort: The Life of a Dark Wizard: Yeah, drop it now before I…

Tom M. Riddle: The True Story: Hold it right there…

Hogwarts Founders: Quit it all of you! Moste, where did this book come from?

1001 Spells Every Dark Wizard Needs to Know: Who cares…

Pureblood: A Treatise: It is a Muggle Book after all.

Muggle Born Wizards: I, for one care.

Moste Potente Potions: It just arrived here today and Madame Pince Shelved it next to me.

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th Century: Of course she did you moron it's an M isn't it?

Moste Potente Potions: I don't…how do you know?

Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.

Moste Potente Potions: Stow it, Stray! How do you know about this book Great Dark?

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th Century: Wouldn't you like to know.

Witch Weekly: Lockhart…Lockhart! We love you!

Tom Riddle, I Call thee Voldemort: Oh puh-lease.

The Dark Arts: All you Wanted to Know but Where Afraid to Ask: Lockhart, that stupid git!

Magical Me: Yep, that's me.

(All the books moan)

Malleus Maleficarum: To determine if the accused is a witch you must first search for the mark.

Death Eaters, The Dark Mark and More: The Dark Mark?

Voldemort, a Study of He-Who-Must-Not-Be –Named: Not my Dark Mark. His dark mark.

Stray Book on the Desk: I don't get it.

Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.

Book on the Reserve Shelf: Oh man, why am I always the last to know these things.

Great American Witches and Wizards of the 70's: Make love not war, man. 

Book on the Reserve Shelf: That made no sense.

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th Century: What do you expect from an American book from the 1970's. 

Moste Potent Potions: Great Dark, what do you know about this book?

The Monster Book of Monsters: Yea' what do ya know?

(All the books whisper and The Screaming Book screams)

All the Books: Shhh!

Moste Potente Potions: So tell us.

Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th Century: Why should I.

Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards: Yeah, why should he?

Malleus Maleficarum: Kill witches, hehehe. Burn 'em at the steak.

The Magical Art of Cookery: Take one steak and…

Magical Gardens and Where to Grow Them: Not that kind of stake, dear.

Best of the Best from Hogwarts: A Complete Cookbook: Steak is a food! Stake is the word you are looking for you idiot! Can't Spell.

Malleus Maleficarum: Witch cast their spells on the unaware by staring with their Evil Eye.

Hogwarts, The Founding: A bit out dated there old chap. Witches don't burn, don't you know that and they don't have Evil Eyes.

Secrets of the Unexplained: Prof. Trelawney does.

Malleus Maleficarum: Burn 'em!

Werewolves a Short Essay: Yikes! Wonder what they did to werewolves?

Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.

Harry Potter: Being a History of the Boy Who Lived from His Birth, Through His Defeat of Lord Voldemort, Through Living with those Miserable Dursleys and His Hogwarts Years and Whatever Follows, Updated By the Second: Harry Potter, known as the Boy Who Lived, is currently asleep, dreaming about the Triwizard Tournament in which another student, Cedric Diggory was killed by Lord Voldemort. For more on this subject see chapter 98~The Triwizard Tournament.

Hufflepuff House: A History: Alas, poor Cedric!

Slytherin House: A History: Oh shut up!

Hogwarts: The School, the Grounds and So Much More: don't talk to him like that.

Moste Potente Potions: Would all of you just shut up already! 

(Everyone is quiet)

Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I am.

Moste Potente Potions: Now tell me Great Dark, what do you know of That Book!

Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards: Don't tell him, boss.

Moste Potente Potions: Stay out of this Annoying!

Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards: What did you call me?

Moste Potente Potions: Annoying!

Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards: Say it again.

Moste Potent Potions: A-NNOY-ING!

(Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards leaps off the shelf and begins to fight with Moste Potente Potions)

Malleus Maleficarum: Red hot irons should be used…and all other items of torture.

The Unforgivables: Wouldn't Crucio be better?

(The Monster Book of Monsters jumps on top of Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards and tries to help Moste Potent Potions. The Invisible Book of Invisibility moves out of the way)

Death Omens, Death Omens, Death Omens: I think he'll die.

Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.

Arithmancy: The Numbers Tell All: Why am I not surprised coming from you.

The Dead Dark Wizards: Well, we all die sometime.

Arithmancy: The Numbers Tell All: That's not the point. She just sees Death everywhere she looks.

Death Omens, Death Omens, Death Omens: The great Grim is hear.

The Grim: A Omen of Death or the Cause of Death?: She had to say that didn't she.

Arithmancy: The Numbers Tell All: She always says that.

(Moste Potente Potions, The Monster Book of Monsters and Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards are still fighting on the floor kicking up a lot of dust)

An Old Manuscript: Hey! Dust should be keep away from me!

Moste Potente Potions: Aw, stow it Old Man!

An Old Manuscript: Old Man huh?

(An Old Manuscript mutters to itself as the fighting continues)

Malleus Maleficarum: Witches often meet at night, under the full moon to plan their spells and curses. 

Book on the Shelving Cart: Oh please, not that old rumor.

Gryffindor House: History: T'is very old at that.

Stray Book on Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.

To be Continued~ The _Malleus Maleficarum_ belongs to whichever 12th Century Person who wrote it and any familiar books from the Harry Potter series belong to JKR. All other books belong to us and our Hogwarts RPG Site: Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus~Est: July 18th, 2000


End file.
